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Title : "FIRST BRITON" REVEALED TO HAVE A MULLET
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"FIRST BRITON" REVEALED TO HAVE A MULLET

Scientists were yesterday calling for all British people to grow their hair out and get a "mullet cut" after it was revealed that the Cheddar Man -- the earliest known inhabitant of the British Isles -- had a distinct mullet hairstyle.

The earth-shattering news came after DNA was extracted from the bones of Cheddar Man, whose name comes from the site of his 1903 discovery in Cheddar Gorge, Somerset. 

Using new, cutting-edge DNA and facial reconstruction techniques, the scientists were able to reconstruct what Cheddar Man actually looked like, creating a waxwork head that could be photographed and shown on television.

Living around 10,000 years ago, it is believed that this ancient ancestor of all British people had dark skin and blue eyes. But the most shocking revelation -- at least for Alt-Right News -- was that he had a mullet, a form of hairstyle associated with various forms of 1980s rock and pop music, including Billy Ray Cyrus, Michael Bolton, and Joe Elliot out of Def Leppard, who is believed to be a close relation of the original Cheddar Man as he also comes from England.

Cyrus, Bolton, and Elliot gathering dust in most music collections.

The political repercussions of the "first Briton" having a mullet are of course enormous, and strengthen the case that only people with extremely dated music collections should be allowed to be citizens of the Unites Kingdom, despite many different and better hairstyles having emerged in the period since the 1980s and the 8080s B.C.

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